Sunday, January 08, 2006


I am not our Fica score.
I am not the amount that we owe on credit cards.
I am not the numbers on the scale.
I am not the balance in our checkbook.
I am not my age.
I am just me.
Sometimes these numbers define me. Make me crazy.

These numbers.
Our debt is major to us. We worry, we fret, we look at and do the best we can to make the payments. Our debt is, a trip to Monterey we needed the week before Joseph was going to have an MRI as a one year old. We needed as a family to get away as best we could.
Our debt is a ring purchased for a me and a watch for Dominic for our 10 year anniversary. 10 years of so much we had gone thru and never went to bed angry, never slept in separate rooms unless a small child or the army made us.
Our debt is some birthday parties for the boys, some groceries, some gas when months were tight.
We didnt get it over night it has taken us a few years to accumulate it and it will take a few years to pay it all back. It's just the way it is.

The numbers on the scale are from 2 pregnancy during very high stress times, two children born with life threatening conditions in the first years of life we had to work thur and get to the other side when me and my body was not a priority. Too many hours sitting by the computer researching for Joseph. Too many meals eaten on the run on the way to therapy. Too many nights Dominic just swept us up and out to eat. Again I did not wake up and all of the sudden weigh this much and it wont go away over night either.

My age gets to me sometimes I cannot believe I am 35 years old already. I feel like life is going so fast. But I have done a lot in 35 years I have seen a lot, endured a lot. I wouldn't trade the age I am now to be 18. While I have more stress and worries than I did when I was 18 I use to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders for no good darn reason.

I am trying to let go of these numbers and not let them define who I am I have spent too much of the past year doing that and what did it get me? I think just bigger numbers.


Anonymous said...

Pretty sure the child didn't urge you to eat the fast food...let's stop blaming therapy and researching!

Anonymous said...

You need to quit feeling so sorry for yourself. Do you realize how much you complain???? Get real and be thankful for what you have, and be POSITIVE about life. If you're positive, your life will be positive.

Jenn said...

If you are a friend of Tammy's you should have the guts to at least sign your name. Let me clarify that while I may not 100% disagree with you, I still don't think it's fair to make comments to her without standing up and saying your name. This is one of the few places she feels safe enough to speak her mind and be honest about whatever is going on and it's so easy for you to come and make your comments without giving her the respect of your friendship?

I have emailed Tammy in the privacy of the world of 'email' and told her my thoughts on her latest entry. I think it's easy for any of us (who all have our own set of issues and problems) to sit in judgement of her. She is someone, like me, who speaks her mind and whatever is on it. It's easy to get stuck in the muck and mire of life. While it's hard for us to sit and watch her or listen to her say how she feels if its negative, that's kind of what friends are for. No?

Yes, I think she knows in her mind she needs to be more positive, it's hard to put that in action if you keep feeling beat down at every turn. I can see what she is saying but at least I have constructively offered her some words of wisdom (albeit my own twisted wisdom) in my email to her. I will not bash her anonymously, what's the point of that? You're just playing a game.

If someone has the guts enough to put their real thoughts and feelings out there in this way, at least give them the same respect and sign your name to your comment.

Tammy is a good person. I don't think she deserves this meanness. Maybe you are just trying to be blunt to get the point across but there has to be a better way. I'm sure she can defend herself but it would only get more convoluted from there; maybe this is why she has refrained thus far.

Stepping down from my soap box, small as it might be....