Never enough

It's taken me all day to write this....

Today is my grandmothers 90th birthday. I mean she would have been 90 today. She passed away just a few months shy of reaching this milestone. Not bad if you ask me. She gave birth to eight children and raised them along the six step children my grandfather who was twenty years old than her brought along with him to the marriage, as well as helped raise several grandchildren. She made homemade bread and homemade egg noodles without any fancy bread or pasta machines and she made Spanish rice and green tomato chow chow and the best chocolate chip cookies ever in a kitchen the size of one of my bathrooms with out a fancy stove. She pulled dandelion's with a butter knife and fixed all the holes in all of her sons socks. I don't think she ever drove a car or flew in an airplane. She believed in the power of Anacin, Mentholatum and not washing your hair if you had a cold and managed to make it to almost 90 in relatively decent health.

A year or so ago it became very clear to me grandma wouldn't be with us all that much longer. Each holiday and birthday and event she was able to celebrate was a blessing. Of course I wish she could be at every wedding of every grandchild and hold every great grand baby. I wish she could have lived forever. But life isn't like that. I made sure I said all that I needed to say to her, I felt good about it, I felt at peace if you will. But just recently I felt that maybe I didn't really say it all. But how do you say it all? What is enough? Is it ever enough? How could you ever feel that you had truly said it all?

So today I went and visited her grave. The sky was a brilliant blue. A cool wind was blowing some leaves about. Hard to believe her body is there underneath that dying yellow grass. Some nice flowers, plants and balloons were left by others that stopped by earlier in the day, I came empty handed today. There is nothing she needs where she is now. Words escaped me.
I stood there and I thought of when Dominic left for Iraq and how truly agonizing that was. We had to have hard conversations. The what if's of it all. What was enough? How could we cram everything we needed to, wanted to before he left? How could I say all that I needed to say with every phone call?
I remember when they sedated Joseph for his MRI. He hated the medicine, he hated the feeling it gave him and he fought it and I rubbed his head and soothed him till he passed out into the deepest sleep ever and it took so long for him to wake up and they told us before hand it was dangerous to sedate a baby so young and we tried to wake him and my heart began to pound like thunder in my chest as I rocked him saying his name over and over again louder and louder till his eyes flashed open and he started crying and then I did too. How I was so worried that if they found something truly awful how would he remember me how would I remember him?
Those were my thoughts today about how even 90 years seemed too short. I know we all had different relationships with Grandma some of us were closer to her than others. She loved us all. Some of us will miss her more and in different ways more than others.

I wasn't there when my grandmother passed away. I had seen her a few days before. I couldn't have told you it was going to be soon, we all knew everyday was hard for her. We all knew she was hanging on for my cousin Ryan's wedding. We were all there. Every son, every daughter, every grandchild. We were all together and that was what she always wanted. She didn't leave till the party was over. She knew, I think, that when it was over... it was really over for her and she was able to let go.
I am glad today all of her kids were able to visit her and she was able to hear them and see them just fine today. It always made her sort of sad when she had a rough day and couldn't hear or see a visitor very well. I am glad she's not suffering any more and is at peace.