Today

I feel like I have been hit by a truck. A big truck.
These kind of days always leave me in knots. Always worried.
Today we had a doctor's appoitment with the neruologist for Joseph. We knew he had the blood results but we didnt know what they were. We knew he had the heart scan and we felt pretty good about that. But what if they needed more test? What if they need more blood I wasnt sure if I could do that? I was worried. What if the results did show something? I was worried.

So we got the results from Joseph blood test and all is fine. He does not have the Factor V. Ladden blood clotting disorder. In fact his blood is just fine. We can dig this and that up and try to find out what happened and why he had the stroke, but the bottom line is. His heart is fine. If it had a hole it's fine now. His blood is fine there is no clotting disorder. His urine acids are fine (did you have any idea?) and that is a good thing. He walks. He talks. He plays hockey and he's cute. (Dr's words not mine, well mine too)so move on and we deal with the Cerebral Palsy and the hemiplegia and that is what we've got and that is all we've got and that is a good thing. With that the doctor grabbed Joseph's chubby face in his hands and gave it a squeeze. My eyes water.
So we breath a big fat sigh of relief and we leave.

So my blessings bucket overflows. So much to have gone thru. So many doctor's appointments for my boys over the years. Asthma and allergies for Derek. Skin testing and allergy shots. ER visits for breathing treatments and high fever for Derek. MRI's and blood test, heart scans and fittings for braces for Joseph. This momma needs a rest.

But I dont rest. My heart is heavy. Sad for friends going thru rough times. Reluctant to lean on me but knows that I have walked that road and I take them in my arms and say "it will be ok look at me it will be ok." My heart is heavy because today Lucas should be here on this earth with his mama and his papa and his brothers. He should be eating happy meals and cake. He should have gotten as lucky as my Joe. And maybe just maybe he is up on God's lap eating the best cake we can only dream of and saying "Hey that's my friend God and he needs help" and it is done and Joseph walks out of the office and hops on the elevator just for fun.
I am done being mad at God. I will always miss Lucas. I will always wish that he was here with his family but I know he's not suffering where he is and I know he's doing great things where he is and everytime I see a white butterfly it makes me believe a little more.



Happy Birthday Lucas from all of us still here on Earth to you up in Heaven.