Saturday, October 04, 2008

Words for Sarah

You know how sometimes you just don't know what to say? Those are the times it's often best to just keep your mouth shut so you don't end up saying something you really shouldn't. Yes you mean well, but sometimes it's just not the right thing. You've heard it said before so you think maybe it IS the right thing to say, but chances are it's not.

I have never had a miscarriage. I have never lost a child. I have never buried a child. I still have both of my parents and most of my aunts and uncles (on my mothers side). My grandparents are all gone. For the most part my days of sorrow have been few. Yes I have had moments of freak out over the years and some hand wringing and sleepless nights but compared to most I have fared pretty well, compared to others, I have had more than enough, thanks I am done.

Sometimes it's hard to know what to say when you have a dear friend facing these things. Divorce, loss of a child, miscarriage. You want to be a good friend but what do you say? I usually always say what I am feeling. I am pissed off that this happening. I am mad. I am going to miss them too. I try not to say "it was not meant to be" or "You can try again" or "they are in a better place now" Ba!

Recently I sat in a doctors office and cried as I spilled my guts out over events that have taken place over the past 5 years. I felt foolish and... I felt weak. What was wrong with me? Why couldn't I handle this? What was my problem? I have been strong why am I falling apart now? So much has happened and I kept it together then, why now?

It must not be in my head it must be something more. My doctor listened and he was wonderful and in the end he gave me the D word. Depression. I cried some more and began to laugh. I was not depressed I said. I was happy. I was good. I was fine. It must be something else. He asked me a few hundred questions and in the end I scored really high on all of them, look I passed your silly test doc. Yup he said I passed, I am depressed. It seem so so silly to say it so silly to throw it around. Depressed. How could I be depressed? Compared to others my life was great. How could I be depressed? How dare I say that about myself?

But when I took a long hard look at how I have been feeling and acting highs and lows yes I guess he called it. I was too far into it to see it. I had been in it for a while. Maybe since Joseph was born. Post par tum gone wrong. Dealing with his diagnosis. Job changes, money woes. It's been too much for this girl to handle. Call me weak, I know I have.

It's been building for a long time it's more than likely chemically related along with everything else that has been going on. Along with my Vitamin D levels being low the fatigue, the lethargy. It's been from holding it in sometimes and saying "It'll be fine" and cram it and go. Take care of Dom and the boys, my needs will come later. Finally my body said "nope you'll take care of me NOW" and sort of rebelled.

So for almost 5 days I have been on a mix of med's to help me feel better... and I do. Different. I am better with the kids, I am better with Dom. I am better about the house. It's like looking through wet foggy eye glasses and slowly cleaning them off I am seeing things better. There are side effects and they aren't very pleasant but they are a bit easier to handle than what was happening. The feeling of just not wanting to do a thing. Everything was a chore. Everything was a worry. My whole body hurt. I just wanted to sleep all the time. I had no energy yet I had so much to do. Just push through it. Go go go. I wanted to do it. I was seeking some sort of joy, some sort of pleasure in something. It felt good to help others at the hospital and work with the kids at the schools, too me out of my head and myself. All the while my body was saying "But we're so tired and now you have MORE people to help?"

The worry machine was on overdrive. If I was awake I was worrying. The boys, Dom, money, housing issues, school. Worry. So best to sleep so not to worry. I would write stuff down I knew in my heart it would all work out but in the end I would worry. A lot. More than I really should have. More than I ever have before. I was done. It had to stop.

So here I sit popping my pills seeing things better. Dealing better. Feeling better. I still worry sure but I am not letting it attack my body.

Meanwhile I have a friend I have known since grade school. She is dealing with infertility.
I feel horrible for her. I spent part of the week mad really pissed off for her. I have taken the fertility meds, I have had the mood swings from them, the attack on your body. That feeling month after month "Why aren't they working? What is wrong with me?" I have no answers for her.

Do I wish for babies for my friend? Of course I do. I am not about to say "It was meant to be. Relax it will happen. You can adopt" I am pretty sure she would strangle me if I did and she'd have every right to. So what do I say to her? That I love her. That I am mad and angry and hurt for her. That I don't know why this is happening. That I don't know what she should do next but whatever feels right for her and her hubby I fully support. I am getting stronger, getting better. I don't hold the weight of the world on my shoulders any more. So what I will say to her, is take care of yourself. In the end it's the most important thing you can do.

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