Tired

I am tired. And frankly I am tired of being tired all of the time. I am struggling to fix it. I have a long life ahead of me and I dont want to spend it being tired all of the time.

It occured to me today that maybe my grandmother after how many kids and life being all that it is, if she's just tired too? I know she's thankful for every day she has for her family, every birthday and holiday she's always so grateful that she's had another chance to be with us, but I know when there is feuding and fighting and worrying she gets tired.

My father has always prepared me for death. When my grandfather died a bit suddenly he began preparing me. Matter of fact, this is how it is, people die, they dont live forever kid, he told me. I was 6.

When my grandmother died he said "Do what you need to. Stay home from school if you want, go to school if you'd like" I said I wanted to be alone in the bath and he said that was good. He said he was going to the funeral and be back in a few days and that was that. I was 15

When my aunt died on my birthday he didnt want me to know. When the early morning phone call came he wished I hadnt heard it. When I sobbed at the funeral my beloved aunt was gone. The one that rocked me to sleep and sang to me. He said "this one is hard isnt it?" and he was right. I was 24.
My father doenst really believe in a God. He's not sure there is one. He thinks you just sort of stop. Sort of go to sleep. It's ok I am ok with this.

When things get sour, when it's all too much I see on my grandmothers face, I hear her voice that she is tired.
I am tired too Grandma. And as dad would say "when it's time to go to sleep you just will" and we'll miss you but we know you were very tired.